Apollo (a.k.a Tony Allison) offers the service of his
samurai sword to Jupiter against Satan's demons.

11 years and 11 days ago, around 11:11 a.m., the city of Seattle was held at bay for 11 hours by a lone man armed with nothing but determination and a samurai sword. His name was Tony Allison, although on that day he preferred to be called Apollo.

The morning was proceeding like any other in late 20th century Seattle: the streets were alive with the practiced hustle and bustle of Frappuccino-swilling, nouveau riche dotcommers and tourists mesmerized by the simple antics of fishmongers as the last dying strains of grunge wafted through the air. Little did they know that the bland tranquility of their orthonoiac lives was about to be slashed open by the God of Poetry and Truth, made manifest in a martial-arts-trained transient released a year previously from Western State Hospital.

According to a contemporary news report, an off-duty police officer was first alerted to a leather-jacketed and camo-pantsed man with a sword disturbing (presumably in the psychological sense) passers-by. The officer followed the man from Pike Place Market. At the corner of Second and Pike, the man took what the police report described as a "defensive stand" and refused to drop his sword. The officer called for back-up. So began the great Seattle Street Samurai Standoff of 1997.

Apollo -- for that was who he declared himself to be -- made no aggressive moves, apart from the occasional dramatic poses and cryptic pronouncements. The police, cautious of his martial prowess, chose not to provoke him. Instead they cordoned off the streets and commenced negotiations via bullhorn.

They asked him again to please put down the sword and surrender; he again refused. They offered him $50 for his sword; he ignored their bribe. They tempted him with a Big Mac; he held fast. They spoke fondly of his dead brother in hopes of changing his mind; he was unmoved. They tried reverse psychology on him, telling him Satan was preventing him from surrendering; he wasn't fooled by their lies. They shined bright lights at him; he wore shades. Growing desperate, nonleathal projectiles and pepper spray were tried; he repelled them through sheer willpower. It seemed nothing would stop lone Apollo from standing his ground on the sidewalk athwart the combined forces of the City.

The orthonoids of Seattle were not happy. Traffic was brought to a stand still and businesses were evacuated. Hundreds called 911 demanding action and offering advice on how to deal with this unexpected menace to civilization -- some suggested throwing a net over him, others shooting him with tranquilizer darts, and not-a-few using lethal force. Talk radio was apoplectic -- more so than usual. If Apollo was aware of the effect he was having on the psyche of Seattle, he showed no sign of concern. His concerns were beyond what the small minds of conformity could comprehend.

But the City would have its way. After nearly half a day unbudged from his sidewalk post, steadfast Apollo was finally brought down using a two-pronged tactic of cold water sprayed with firehoses and prolonged exposure to a large fan -- designed, after consultation with medical experts, to weaken his muscle control through hypothermia -- followed by a rush to pin his body with a 12-foot ladder and his sword arm with a pole. Even with these extreme measures he showed nigh-Rasputinesque levels of resilience: the high-pressure hoses were only able to knock him down temporarily and it took nearly three minutes to finally wrest the sword from his pinned hand.

In the end, no one was injured -- presumably since the demonic forces chose not to show themselves before Apollo's sword. Also, to the great relief of Seattleites, no Starbucks were harmed.

Assistant Police Chief Harv Ferguson had this to say after the standoff: "I've never seen anything like it in my 30 years. I don't want to make an icon out the guy, but I simply had to marvel at his ability to withstand all of that."

Although he was brought down, this was no real defeat for Apollo. He had made his lone defensive stand before all of Seattle, and Seattle, for a while at least, bowed to his will and grudgingly marveled at his iconic greatness. But what was Apollo's stand defending?

Among his pronouncements during the standoff Apollo mentioned having brothers in China and Russia. Could this have been a reference to the most memorable example of the Lone-Figure-Standing-Against-the-World archetype -- the Mercurial Tiananmen Square protester who stood down a line of Communist tanks? Or perhaps Bacchus Yeltsin astride a tank in defiance of a military coup? If only the SPD had a tank to complete Apollo's symbolism!

Tankless though his stand may have been, I believe Apollo, like his brothers before him, stood for the Individual in the face of insurmountable powers aligned against him. His stand was not just in self-defense -- that is, defense of the integrity and sovereignty of the Self against either dilution into the cloud of the Collective or subservience to the will of Another -- but defiance of social conformity, which unjustly demands that one shouldn't strike poses with a samurai sword in downtown Seattle, no matter how totally kick-ass that would be.

Even in his fall, Apollo had a defiant message for us: maybe the Individual can't win, but at least he'll go down brandishing his sword and looking cooler than the cowered tools of conformity could ever hope to look. Their jealousy shall be the Individual's ultimate victory!

Who was Tony Allison that day? Apollo, folk hero for the oppressed Individual, or just a crazy guy with a sword disrupting the mundane flow of society and scaring tourists? I choose the former. His stand has been mostly forgotten, and Tony's sword is presumably retired for good, but it may be no coincidence that this website -- my own defensive stand against the Forces of Mind Control, the Belgian Conspiracy, monorails, and tree octopus extinction -- was started later that same year.

So, for whatever inspiration he brought me, I offer this paean to Apollo, disruptor of the orthonoiac, wherever he may be.

I get many emails from students asking various existential questions about the plight of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, a subject that is now taught in most schools. Here's the most recent one from Maddie, who has a question about donations:

Hi,
 I dont know u but was wondering about your tree octopus article posted on the web. I read it and was wondering if it was really true?! The last thing is, (if it is true) who does the donations go to??? So if you could get back to me as soon as possible i would appreciate it alot!

My response:

Hello.

All articles on the Internet are true, even the ones that claim that some are false. This was proven by Kurt Gödel, who showed that the Internet is incomplete. Please help fix this situation by adding more articles to the Internet.

Donations to help the tree octopus should be given directly to the tree octopuses. Here is how to donate: Travel to the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State (ask your parents first). Stand in the tree octopuses' forest near a tree and hold out a dollar bill. If you stand still enough, eventually a tree octopus will come by on a branch, reach out, and take the bill with her suckers. She will continue to return for more bills as long as you hold them out, so bring lots of singles. She will use them to line her den in the trees, as the bills will soak up rain water and keep her skin moist. Given the current value of the dollar, this is the most cost effective way to help.

Thank you for your concern for the tree octopus.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

In reply to my previous post on the anarchist march on Tacoma last Friday, Jonnie Crivello of March for America! Washington, who was mentioned in the post as holding an archist counterprotest, sent me the following email (links added by me for clarification):

Hello Lyle,

Brilliant site you have here and reading about the Republic of Cascadia gave me a chuckle, in a good way. I love this part of the country too and it's fun to think of it as it's own thing sometimes.

You know, I took something away from Tacoma this weekend. I was impressed that so many are aware of what the SPP is and of course, the NWO. Many in the patriot movement are familiar with it now since having realized the NAU is the reason why the borders have not been enforced.

I realized that we have a lot of things in common, except that I don't support open borders specifically because that is part of the NWO plan, to erase nation states and merge everyone into Unions. A big objective of the NWO is to break down national identities. Merging the United States into a North American Union with Canada and Mexico is something they want. They haven't enforced the border because they have committed to merging our two nations.

A North American Union means open borders. In order to establish One World Government they must dissolve nation states, like they are busy doing in the EU. Part of dissolving nation states means runaway immigration, dissolving borders and national identity. All of those things mentioned are happening in Europe and here as well.

When Clinton finished up passing NAFTA, those who pushed it knew exactly what it would do. It would disadvantage American and Mexican workers and cause a mass migration north. The illegal immigration we are seeing was purposeful and is a vehicle towards integration with Mexico.

If we accept this mass migration, than we accept the integration. If we accept the integration we accept the NWO. A world full of sovereign nation states is a diverse one. A nation where we all end up merged together to form one world and lose our identities, is not diverse at all even though it is sold to us as such.

On another note, do you ever read the Brussels Journal? It would appear as though you may.

Jonnie

The Brussels Journal is a cointel front for the Belgian Conspiracy designed to lure anti-NWO activists into visiting "Flanders" only to be kidnapped and plugged into the Brussels Beast.

Anyway, I think I speak for most Cascadians in saying that we do not support replacing Cascadian currency and the Sasquatch twig-pegged barter system with the SPP's Amero, which will undoubtedly be even more psychotronically laced than US and EU coinage.

As to immigration, Cascadia has been enriched by people of many different cultures who have contributed to Cascadian society. Whether software engineers from around the world coming to work at Microsoft or Yeti arriving on Cascadian shores hidden in cargo containers, they all dream of the prosperity and freedom that we Cascadians enjoy.

However, I think you will be glad to hear that the Sasquatch Militia has a plan to build a ten-meter-high log wall around the Cascadian border to keep illegal Americans, Canadians, cryptozoologists, and other assorted trouble makers out. At about 300,000 twigs per log, it may take a while for them to find the necessary funding in their budget, although a proposed tax on psychoactive lichens should make a large dent.

The streets of Tacoma erupted in anarchy Friday as 50 masked anarchists meandered around downtown in a leaderless mass with puppets and drums to protest a privately run "concentration camp" on the Tacoma Tideflats. Not that anyone was leading them to protest that, mind you -- they're anarchists:

[T]he group reached Wells Fargo Plaza at 1201 Pacific Ave. during the first march through downtown. The protesters chanted outside the bank's offices before police, who said they were enforcing a request from the business, asked them to leave. An officer talked to [Tom] McCarthy about moving the march on.

A protester wearing a black mask ran up to the two and screamed, "Whatever he tells you, he doesn't stand for us. We're anarchists -- we have no leader!"

"I didn't say you had a leader, man," McCarthy replied.

"Good!" the protester shouted before walking away.

Fortunately for the innocent Tacomans, the rabble of anarchists were held at bay by an impenetrable wall of police bicycle tires. (More Tacoma anarchy photos here.)

Archist rivals from the Anti-Cascadian organization March for America! Washington fielded their own conterprotest comprised solely of March for America! Washington founder Jonnie Crivello yelling at people with a bullhorn while waving an American flag. Crivello had sent out a mass email issuing a "call to all American patriots who are able, to stand in solidarity against the communist/socialist/anarchist pawns who call for an end to the nation state, who call for an end to America," but everyone else was busy supporting the nation state elsewhere.

No Starbucks were harmed during the protests.

UPDATE 2007-11-14: Read a reply from Jonnie Crivello.

Although Radical Sasquatch made very clear his displeasure with the new Sasquatch exhibit at the Washington State Capital Museum, "Giants in the Mountains: The Search for Sasquatch", I decided to go and see if it was as bad as he feared. While it could have been worse (there was no explicitly pro-Weyerhaeuser Conspiracy propaganda), it left much to be desired.

Read more...

Next year will mark the octocentennial of the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood accord, which was inaugurated with vigorous hand throttling by the Yeti and Sasquatch representatives at the 1208 Global Hominoid Congress held in Sakteng, Bhutan. The accord ended ninety-three years of hostility that started after a disagreement at a stomper tournament (the details of which were wisely forgotten).

Yeti arrive in Cascadia.

For 799 years since, Yeti and Sasquatch have enjoyed good barter relations and an open border policy that has led to close cultural ties between the two hominoids -- ties that are stronger now than ever. Yeti wishing to reach Cascadia for barter or to emigrate have long had to cross the Bering Strait on ice drifts during the winter months. This constriction in cross-cultural flow changed in the twentieth century when Yeti discovered and took advantage of human trade routes, and now Yeti can travel year-round by hiding in shipping containers bound from China and India to major Cascadian ports.

The next time you're down by the docks in Little Yetitown, do your meager human part to support the Yeti-Sasquatch Transpacific Brotherhood by visiting a Yeti bartering-post container, where you can browse the yak-dung sculptures of Yeti artisans or try a traditional Teh-Lma delicacy of live Himalayan sucker frogs.

Serious historians of international hominoid agreements, as well as hipsters who enjoy being <finger-quote>ironic</finger-quote>, can also buy Cafepress shirts (human sizes only, sorry) emblazoned with the official commemorative emblem -- which, by the way, uses my newly released font: Greensboro.