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Lyle Zapato

Mind Control iPod Update

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-21.1710 LMT | General Paranoia | Technology

You may recall the Korean patent to turn iPods into mind-control devices that I reported on in 2004. Many of you iPod users scoffed at the possibility (no doubt at the behest of the reality distortion fields emanating from your precious toy.) But according to a transcript of President Bush's remarks on the American Competitiveness Initiative at Tuskegee University on April 19th:

The government funded research in microdrive storage, electrochemistry and signal compression. They did so for one reason: It turned out that those were the key ingredients for the development of the Ipod. I tune into the Ipod occasionally, you know?

Ask yourself: Why would the US government, acting through DARPA, fund all that research just to produce a simple consumer music player? And what does Bush mean by "tune into"? iPods are not tuners -- or are they? Could this finally be the explanation for the mysterious Bush Bulge?

Bush iDecider

(Found via Retecool. Site in Dutch -- Beware: possible nest of Belgian agents.)

Lyle Zapato

MIT Mind-Reading Device

Lyle Zapato | 2006-04-06.9035 LMT | Technology | Aluminum | General Paranoia

You may remember MIT Media Lab, the DARPA-funded organization that previously issued a fatally flawed study that found deflector beanie technology worthless, if not counter-productive.

Well, Tuesday at the 2006 Body Sensor Network Conference, one of their research teams revealed that they have been working on a government-funded mind-reading device. Why am I not shocked?

The ESP: Emotional Social Intelligence Prosthetic enables a speaker to detect boredom in a listener via a vibrating belt. While not a true mind-reading device since it only infers affective-cognitive mental states via facial signals, it clearly shows that MIT is working on invading people's minds to learn their secrets. From the ESP mission statement:

In psychology, theory of mind or "mind-reading" describes our ability to attribute mental states to others from their behavior and to use that knowledge to guide our actions and predict those of others.

Of course, this touchy-feely device is only being released to condition public acceptance of wearable mind-reading doodads. Presumably their more invasive psychotronics-based MR technology -- technology that would, coincidentally, be rendered useless with wide-spread adoption of deflector beanies -- is only being shared with their partners in the Military-Industrial Complex (the ESP project is funded by the National Science Foundation, a government agency in league with DARPA).

Of note: the founder of Media Lab, Nicholas Negroponte, is the brother of John Negroponte, Director of National Intelligence, who oversees all US intelligence agencies including the CIA, FBI, NSA, NGA, NRO, and others interested in either reading or altering your mind.

Nicholas' current project with Media Labs is a universal mind-control delivery platform targeted at the Third World. I am working on getting one of these devices from undercover paranoid agents to see if MindGuard can be made to run on it. Hopefully the underprivileged children of the world won't have to fall victim to the nefarious schemes of the Negroponte brothers.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Foil Deflector Bucky

Lyle Zapato | 2006-02-19.8320 LMT | Aluminum | Entertainment

'Get Fuzzy' 2006-02-19, copyright Darby Conley

I was perhaps too hasty when I implied Darby Conley was helping the Belgium Conspiracy with reverse psychology (the comic linked to in that post is now missing -- if anyone has a copy of the panel where Satchel reveals the truth that Belgium doesn't exist, please send me a scan.)

With today's comic, I now believe that Darby is in fact a double agent slyly introducing key paranoid concepts in ways that his handlers at the NWO-controlled Syndicate will find unobjectionable. By cleverly disguising an AFDB as a mere prognosticap, the Syndicate will think that Darby is mocking beanie usage, while the actual effect of the mocking is to subtly hint at the true purpose of Bucky's hat.

There are, however, problems with Bucky's design:

Bucky Katt, copyright Darby Conley

While the Quaker-style cylindrical deflection manifold will offer a maximum of lateral diffusion, the top is shown unfoiled, allowing satellites and UFOs unrestricted access to the wearer's brain. Also, the pointy end of the coat hanger could puncture the foil surface as it bobs with the weight of the star, leading to catastrophic beanie failure. Presumably Darby included these design flaws to deflect the Syndicate from his true agenda. Budding paranoids, it's hoped, will copy the spirit of Bucky's hat and not his exact design.

(P.S. No one tell the Syndicate that Darby's working for us.)

UPDATE 2006-06-24: More on Conley's paranoia propagation...

Lyle Zapato

Response To The Chilliwack Progress

Lyle Zapato | 2006-01-22.9800 LMT | Aluminum | Letters | Complaints Department

Arthur Black's Jan. 22 editorial "Paranoid? Who's paranoid?" claims that the paranoid community hasn't responded to the MIT paper impugning the effectiveness of Deflector Beanie technology. This is false. The MIT paper was debunked last November, as can be read here on my website.

In short, the MIT experiment was unsuitable for the phenomenon in question and had procedural irregularities that would have disqualified it from a reputable peer-reviewed journal.

As the published author of one of the seminal works on personal mind-control protection using aluminum foil, I find it odd that I was not contacted by Mr. Black for a quote. Regardless, simple research on his part would have revealed the response to the MIT paper (it's the very first hit on Google for "'deflector beanie' MIT").

That Mr. Black either chose not to do any research or to ignore the existence of a response brings into question his competency as a journalist. I would expect such behavior from a writer for the Chilliwack Times, but I am disheartened to see it in someone from the Chilliwack Progress. I hope this is not indicative of a lowering of journalistic standards in our great Republic of Cascadia.

Regards,
Lyle Zapato

Lyle Zapato

Super Gnathal Fun Deflection!

Lyle Zapato | 2005-12-28.7540 LMT | Aluminum | Fashion | Random Found Thing

Japanese paranoids now have a product to deflect basal psychotronics:

The above device is called アルミニ重あごシェイプ, which Babel Fish helpfully translates as "Aluminum it is heavy gnathal Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers, europe". Those wacky Japanese with their wacky names!

In Western terms, it's a self-adhesive aluminum gnathic shield designed to protect the underside of the forebrain from psychotronic rays coming from nefarious downstairs neighbors (apparently a pesky problem in highrise-riddled Japan), boreshipmen, talpidytes, and other assorted underground forces of mind control.

Its maker, Akaishi -- who markets it via third parties as a "face care" product to get around Japanese anti-mind-control-device trade laws -- also offers a version that shields most of the face, less creatively called アルミ顔やせマスク ("aluminum face and something mask"):

For full facial deflection effect, the mask should be used with corundum-lensed goggles and an aluminum respirator. Of course, both devices are pointlessly incomplete without an AFDB.

While we here at ZPi do not condone the use of prêt-à-porter aluminum shielding devices as they may contain hidden psychotronic circuitry, we do approve of cute, paranoid Japanese models in little black dresses, so we'll overlook the mental security flaws this time.

(Found via Tokyo Damage Report, which has pics of the packaging for these and other amusing-yet-less-topical products.)

Lyle Zapato

Brussels Sprout Soda

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-10.1900 LMT | Food | Belgian Conspiracy
Brussels Sprout Soda bottle

Betrayal!

Popular Cascadian soda manufacturer, Jones Soda Co., last year issued special holiday packs of sodas flavored after traditional holiday foods, such as Turkey & Gravy Soda. You no doubt saw this in the news. This year they are doing it again, only with more and different flavors. But I was shocked to see what was included in their 2005 National Holiday Pack...

Brussels Sprout Soda!

That's right: the Belgian Conspiracy has gotten to Jones! Besides the subtle conditioning that traditional holidays aren't complete without Belgium, thus furthering their insinuation into all levels of society, this soda is very likely chemically designed to help with the Belgification process, much like the Conspiracy has done with beer -- only now the drinks are aimed at the whole family.

But why families? Could it be that they have finally found a way to overcome the maddening effects of the Brussels Beast brain-interface that has left so many of their "citizens" gibbering vegetables (the origin of the term "Brussels sprouts"), requiring them to continuously replenish their citizen supply through kidnappings and brainwashings, and are now trying to ensnare whole families in order to establish breeding colonies to create second-generation "Belgians" who haven't any pre-Belgification memories to interfere with their programming? Undoubtedly, yes.

According to the Nutrition Facts (which were created by the pyramid-scheming FDA, so can't really be trusted), it's mostly carbonated water and salt (1 bottle = 12% of your RDA of sodium). However, it's safe to say that other unlisted psychoactive ingredients were added to cause drinkers to become pliant to the Belgian Conspiracy's will. One suspicious listed ingredient in the calorie-free drink is sucralose (aka Splenda), which is manufactured synthetically in NWO-controlled plants in Singapore and Alabama.

The Belgian agents who got to Jones have been plotting this since at least last year. The previous holiday sodas were in calculatedly short supply which, combined with lots of media hype, caused a large unmet demand. This year the packs, now with the Brussels Sprout Soda added, are widely available across North America at Target stores, making it likely that many will be sold to unsuspecting families who were primed for purchase last year. A devious ploy!

The public must be warned! Get to your local Target store and make sure all shoppers know: the green soda will TURN PEOPLE BELGIAN!

Lyle Zapato

Psychotropically Enhanced Beer

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-30.0710 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | General Paranoia | Food

A reader asks:

Dear Lyle,

A member of our county School Board has asked me what psychotropically enhanced beer is. What should I tell him?

Thanks,

[Name withheld]

Psychotropically enhanced beer is beer that has been enhanced, either during the fermentation process or later, with chemical substances that affect the perceptions of the drinker, making him or her more susceptible to various types of mind control.

The Belgian Conspiracy is well known to use psychotropically enhanced beer to make those targeted for Belgification more readily shanghaiable by causing them to perceive Belgians as family and Belgium as home. The Conspiracy's promotion of the aptly named Trappist beer is one of the primary ways they gain fresh bodies to put in Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland.

Athleticists have also been known to employ psychotropic enhancement, both in sports drinks and beer served at games, the latter to make fans more rabidly loyal to "their" team and loosen their minds to the psychotronic signals that are deflected off of aluminum baseball bats into the stands.

More disturbingly on an existential level, beer has been psychotropically enhanced since its very discovery. Barley, historically the primary ingredient of beer, evolved the ability to use a symbiotic relationship with various fungus species of the genus Claviceps to psychotropically weaken the minds of humans who consumed it to the subtle psychotronic abilities inherent in the grass family, giving the plants control over the humans.

In fact, it is widely believed among paranoid historians that Humanity owes its advanced societal development to this grassy manipulation of early humans, first through bread then later beer and other drinks such as kykeon -- manipulation that has culminated in a slave species that tends to the grasses' needs and whims, freeing the grasses to finally attain sentiency and communicate with paraterrestrials via a complex language of circles. (One dark theory maintains that the grasses are actually the ones ultimately pulling all the strings of the NWO, as evidenced by the symbolic circling of the world by two stylized ears of wheat on the UN logo. However, this is controversial.)

I hope this answers your questions about psychotropically enhanced beer.

Lyle Zapato

Belgain Identity Cards

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-29.7100 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy | NWO | General Paranoia

Further evidence (as if it were needed) of the fictional nature of "Belgium": so-called Belgians can't even get the spelling of their own country's name right. They claim the mistake is intentional, to foil counterfeiters, but clearly someone in the NWO is having a hard time keeping their silly make-believe names straight.

This misspelled card is part of the Belgian Conspiracy's plan to steal everyone's identities and turn them into Belgians. While at first the cards will only be issued as virtual versions to the Conspiracy's mindslaves plugged into Citizen Pods under Eurodisneyland, eventually actual physical Identity Cards will be introduced throughout the world, thus giving the Conspiracy control over our very identities. The groundwork for this is already being laid in North America and Europe.

Five years after that happens, when you get your updated card and find your name is now Luc Peeters and you work in a chocolate factory in Liège, you'll have no recourse but to accept your new identity. If the card says it is so, then it is so.

Lyle Zapato

Tinfoil Hat Song

Lyle Zapato | 2005-05-21.4910 LMT | Aluminum | General Paranoia
Lyle Zapato

Mind Reading Machine

Lyle Zapato | 2005-04-30.6810 LMT | Technology | NWO | General Paranoia

Now for sale on eBay: One temporally displaced Strauss Mind Reading Machine...

hello, i am selling what i believe to be a mind reading machine built by Dr. J. S. Strauss in the year 2282. After finding the time machine and the shrinking machine in my house i started to think what other stuff might be hidden away in my home. So i started searching from top to bottom and thats when i found the mind reading machine. It was hidden in a very tight corner of my attic and was wrapped in a old bed sheet, covered with dirt. With a wet paper towel it cleaned up very nice (see pictures).

The machine is made out of copper, metal, and plastic. Now, I wouldnt think that plastic would still be around in the year 2282, but i guess it still is. The mind reading machine does not work from what i could tell, but some one who knows electronics might be able to figure it out. I had my friend wear the head peice and i pushed on some buttons, but we just could not get it to work. We only know how to work on cars, this electronic stuff from the future is hard for us to understand, so thats why i am selling the mind reading machine....its why im selling off all of these inventions that i have found.

I believe the seller and his friend might be playing with forces they do not understand. The device pictured is not a normal mind reading machine as we understand them today. Conventional mind readers are used by the NWO and do not need to be physically attached to the thinker. What I believe he has is a part of a morphic field transmitter that is designed to upload a person's essential psychic patterns into the aether, allowing a copy of that person to exist separately on a higher dimensional brane.

Their fooling around with it might be filling up branic space with multiple copies of themselves! If Sheldrake is right, and undoubtedly he is, there could soon be a global pandemic of flannel, unkempt facial hair, and chunky glasses as their morphic resonance patterns begin to influence people's consciousness on a holonic level.