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Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: WOOKIEE RAGE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-04-05.4700 LMT | Entertainment
Chewbacca Figure
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN WOOKIEE RAGE WITHIN A PLASTIC BUBBLE!!!

Howl in the forest is that the Human called George Lucas will release another Squatchploitation movie called "Revenge of the Sith"...

***SPOILER ALERT!!!*** Nerd Humans: STOP READING MY HOWL NOW!!!

"Revenge of the Sith" will star CHEWBACCA the WOOKIEE... WOOKIEE IS HUMAN SQUEEK FOR SPACE SASQUATCH!!! In previous movies, Chewbacca was a sidekick to Space Humans! SASQUATCH IS NOT A SIDEKICK!!! Maybe Teh-Ima is a sidekick, BUT NOT SASQUATCH!!! Those movies were made during a dark time of Sasquatch-Human relations that Humans call the 1970s, when Sasquatch were persecuted by Nimoy and fake bionic Sasquatch battled bionic Human to a draw for Human amusement -- THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! Bionic Sasquatch would delimb bionic Human Steve Austin in slow motion while howling that DA-NA-NA-NA sound!

...MY HOWL DIGRESSES!!!

The new Lucas movie is about the WOOKIEE ARMY fighting against the Space Humans invading the Wookiee home planet -- CLEARLY AN OBLIQUE PORTRAYAL OF THE SASQUATCH MILITIA!!! Ripping the limbs off of Space Humans is better than being a sidekick! LOOK AT THE MIGHTY WOOKIEE ARMY...

Wookiee Army copyright Lucusfilm

But something is wrong... If this Lucas Human has become such a friend to Sasquatch, then why is it that these Wookiees are still PLAYED BY HUMANS IN FUR SUITS!?!? IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL HOMINOIDS!!! Even worse, I have heard howl that the Wookiee Army is MADE WITH COMPUTERS... I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I KNOW THAT IT ENRAGES ME!!!

Lucas has enraged Hominoids in the past and now he is doing it again! Chewbacca and Wookiee Army should be played by real Sasquatch and not be made sidekicks of Space Humans! Chewbacca should have a LIGHTLOG, his own space ship that can make the Kessel run in LESS THAN SIX PARSECS, and get to howl "I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!!" while delimbing Space Humans!

HUMAN CALLED LUCAS, HEAR MY HOWL!!! Satisfy Sasquatch demands or Southern Cascadian Sasquatch Militia will PUMMEL SKYWALKER RANCH WITH BOULDERS!!!

SASQUATCH POWER!!!

Lyle Zapato

Investment Opportunity: A NEW SPORT

Lyle Zapato | 2005-02-22.6240 LMT | Letters | Entertainment

Got a spare million lying around and want to send a Country-Western-driven message to those bastards in the Corporate Community who dare question your pro-activeness? Bob Cassell has a proposition for you:

From: "Robert Cassell" <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: lyle@zapatopi.net
Subject: A NEW SPORT
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2005 14:44:54 +0000

To Whom It May Concern

New Business Development is truly the life blood of any company.

A NEW SPORT opens up the avenues tremendously...from Sponsorships to General and Promotional Advertising and More.

It clearly sends a message to the Corporate Community that your agency is more than just pro-active. It screams volumes of positioning yourself as number one.

Permit me to explain.

I have created, developed and Market Tested with resounding success a NEW SPORT.

For an initial investment of approximately $1 million since the New Sport in question has been both proven and tested with resounding success the return should exceed $400 million per year.

So the logical next step is finding representation. Hopefully you will consider taking on such a project. Please understand that this is not just another good idea. Rather it is a proven and tested SPORT.

I have taken the liberty of listing the various revenue streams.

Television Rights Sponsorships Note: corporate sponsorsors will exceed the $1 million initial investment.
Events
Licensing
Merchandising
Video Games
Its Own Song...the name of the Sport written and performed by a Country Western artist
And The International Arena

The SPORT in question has no current competition, is family oriented, Country Western driven, is non-violent, has no season and pits men versus women in got wrenching racing competition.

All I want are but a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. The balance is for your discretion. You see I just received the greatest gift of all...my teenage daughter just beat Cancer. So I'm wealthy with joy and happiness. What more could I ask for.

Having a successful track record in New Business Development for major Advertising Agencies, the Fortune 100 and National & International Publishing organizations I speak from experience.

Hopefully I have peaked your curiosity.

Should relocation be neccessary I will be there in a heart beat to help make it become a reality and develop a host of New Business opportunities for you.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Since I'm already heavily invested in the Cascadian Stomper League and have burned all bridges with the Corporate Community, I'll have to pass on this NEW SPORT, tempting as it may be. Sorry Bob, but good luck anyway.

Cascadian Stomper League logo
Get To Stompin'!
Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: Impending Stomper Unrest!

Radical Sasquatch | 2004-09-27.8740 LMT | Cascadia

Cascadian Humans, hear my howl! If you value the pathetic fur on your heads, stay away from the vicinity of Mt. AAARARRAAARARARAAA (known in your puny Human speech as "Saint Helens")! The mighty Seeahtik Death Soles will be battling the Yayaya-ash Frighteners in the Cascadian Grand Stomper Tourney in the mountain crater! Preliminary stompings have been ongoing since last Thursday! Any Human intruders during the game will be pelted with boulders! My howl ends... Resume your Human cowering under eyes in sky like helpless chipmunks afraid of owls! SASQUATCH POWER!