Zapato Productions

While I often focus on the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus (Octopus paxarbolis) due to its importance to the Cascadian ecosystem and the sheer tragedy of its plight, it is not the only octopus in the world with an affinity for trees. Some other species -- such as the phytosuccivorous New England Sugar Octopus; the Australian Tree-ringed Octopus; and the furry, blue Thujoctopus pilosa -- are mentioned on the tree octopus sightings page.

Susan Scott has just written in Hawaii's Star Bulletin about two other tree (or at least semiarboreal) octopuses that I was unaware of in her article "Tale of octopi climbing trees has long legs".

According to Words of the Lagoon by R.E. Johannes (in the chapter titled "The Arboreal Octopus"), on the islands of Palau, female octopuses have been seen to climb out of the water and into the mangrove trees to rear their young -- an inversion of the reproductive strategy of O. paxarbolis. However, there's some controversy surrounding this claim since the octopuses are reputed to give birth in the trees, not lay eggs like all other octopuses. Perhaps they carry a clutch of eggs to the trees hidden in their arms just prior to hatching?

In Halieutica, a poetic treatise on the nature of fishes and fishing practices of the ancients, the 2nd century poet Oppian of Corycus tells how octopuses ("preke") would come out of the water and climb up olive trees to get at the delicious fruit. These semiarboreal octopuses so dearly loved olives that fishermen would drag olive branches behind their boats to lure them out of hiding to catch them. (Could this be the source of the Wiltonism: "olives are deadly, so they say, depending on where you find them"?) Here's an 18th century translation of the relevant passage:

In Some the strange Caprice of Love inspires
Not Home-bred Joys, or Sea confin'd Desires:
The Quiver'd God to rolling Waves below
From verdant Shores directs the pointed Blow,
And Fishes Breasts with Earth-sprung Passions glow.
Rock-haunting Sargo's, and the crawling Preke
Extraneous Objects to their Pleasures seek.
With all the Transports of an eager Spouse
Th' enamour'd Preke galants Minerva's Boughs.
Surprising Singularity of Love!
That brutal Souls a leafy Fair should move,
And Fishes court the Daughter of the Grove.

Where near the shore a thriving Olive grows,
With swelling Berries and luxuriant Boughs,
The Preke ascends, as o'er the Mountain Dews
The Cretan Hound his flying Game persues,
With low-hung Nose explores the scented Ways,
Picks ev'ry Footstep, and unwinds the Maze,
Attacks the panting Wand'rer where he lies,
And loads his Master with the bloody Prize.
Thus He the scented Olives Charms obeys,
Springs from the Deep, and tries aerial Ways.
With eager Welcome first he clasps the Root,
And wreaths luxuriant in the kind Salute.
As when his long-expected Nurse he spies,
With open Arms the smiling Infant flies,
Hangs on her Knees with violent Embrace,
And lifts his grappling Fingers to her Face,
In softer Joys aspiring to be blest,
To grasp her Neck, and fondle on her Breast;
Thus round the Trunk at first the Wanton twines,
But soon his Passion to the Boughs resigns.
Born by Desire the leafy Height attains,
Knits round his Legs, and melts in am'rous Chains.
To ev'ry Branch transfers th' alternate Kiss,
Lost in the copious Latitude of Bliss.

The Trav'ller thus, whom safe from foreign Shores,
To native Fields th' auspicious Gale restores,
His thronging Friends in kind Embraces holds,
And hands successive in th' endearing Folds.

As round the stately Firr in humid Rings
Th' uxorious Stalk of creeping Ivy clings;
Stretcht from the Root th' aspiring Volumes flow,
Climb round the Trunk, and curl on ev'ry Bough;
Thus o'er Minerva's Tree the Sea-born roves,
And wreaths successive in the balmy Loves.
But when remiss exhausted Nature lies,
Back to the Sea the languid Crawler hies,
Satiate with Love, and Vegetable Joys.

His strange Amour experienc'd Fishers know,
And send the verdant Fraud to Seas below.
The Boughs that spread superior to the rest
Behind the Boat they drag with Lead deprest.
With no indiff'rent Look, or tardy Pace,
The Preke beholds, and courts the green Embrace;
Drawn to the Boat the Bands of Love retains,
Contemns his Freedom, and asserts his Chains.
Lockt in the riveted Enjoyment twines,
Nor ev'n in Death his lovely Tree resigns.

Could this explain the evolution of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus? Did it first crawl out of the Puget Sound seeking delicious land fruit -- perhaps salal berries or Indian plums -- and became so enamored with the "green Embrace" of the forests that it took up permanent residence? Certainly as plausible an explanation as any put forward thus far.

Speaking of menacing pods, the Monorailists have a new scheme to get us all traveling on dangerous monorails -- the Podcar:

The Podcar: teetering over your home town soon?

It's a "podcar," also called "personal rapid transit" -- a system of vehicles that provide on-demand, private, nonstop travel. These vehicles can carry people or light freight. They ride on small, overhead guideways -- like a monorail or people mover -- above existing roads, and are powered entirely by electricity. Picture the car as an elevated, driverless taxi. It's under computer control, so there would be no accidents, thereby saving lives and lowering insurance costs.

Podcars operate on demand, waiting at off-line stations; they can be summoned if one is not available when you arrive at the station. Each vehicle can hold four people, yet the system can be cost-effective even with a single rider for each trip.

Benefits that monorail podcars have over traditional monorail trains are that when one bursts into flames, only four people will be roasted alive, and you won't be able to fit a frightened elephant inside one. Also, when they stall (and they will), you can get out and push.

Podcars are a poor mimicry of the superior Inteli-Tube pneumatic transportation system* and were designed to confuse the car-obsessed public into building more dangerous monorails. But the sinister ambitions of the Monorailists don't stop with preying on automobilophiles, they also want to replace bicycles with a monorailular version! Will the monorail madness never end?

* The ITPTS was developed by Lyle Zapato & ZPi Laboratories.

As readers of my site know, Belgian "citizens" are really kidnap victims who have been brought to a chamber under Euro-Disneyland in France, where they're hooked up to a computer simulation of "Belgium" (a country that does not exist) and brain-formatted to believe they are "Belgians". The interfacing of the "citizens" with the Belgian construct takes place through a Citizen Pod, a cocoon-like device that keeps a physical body alive and immobile while cybernetic probes inserted into the brain replace all sensory input with Belgian lies.

The Belgian Conspiracy has been planning to decentralize its Citizen Pod collection currently held in that single chamber, where rapidly diminishing pod-space is kept in check only by a black mold infestation that has been ravaging the physically moribund pod prisoners. The original plan was for a second chamber under a new Disneyland in Shanghai, but that plan has been proceeding slower than expected.

Now the Conspiracy has come up with a disturbing new solution to their pod-housing problems: they are marketing a Citizen Pod for use in public spaces around the world. The Immersive Cocoon (or, excuse my iRoll, the "iCocoon") isn't as advanced as the true Belgian Citizen Pods since it only projects images on the inside walls, not through a brain-computer interface. This is intentional as the true purpose of the iCocoon is to slowly acclimatize society to accept the existence of, and submission to, Citizen Pods.

Coming soon to your home.
Soon to be your home.

When complete, the Immersive Cocoon will be a sleek and shiny human-sized dome. Step inside and you'll be enveloped by a 360° display screen and full surround sound.

When the software boots up, instead of using a joystick or mouse to navigate the screens, motion-tracking cameras will follow the movement of your arms, legs and face, and a motion-sensitive platform will detect if you're walking or jumping.

"You've got display, sound and interaction all combined to create this fully immersed digital experience," explains Tino Schaedler, the architect-turned-film designer who is one third of NAU.

"It is completely different from me sitting in front of a screen, looking at a little picture and typing something in -- almost like the experience is reduced to my brain and my fingers. In the Cocoon we have the whole body immersed inside."

NAU, the front company marketing the device on behalf of the Belgian Conspiracy, happily notes that the iCocoon tracks the physical movements of the user with the same technology used by the oppressive, all-knowing government in the film Minority Report. If that doesn't sound alarms, the technology is based on the work of John Underkoffler of MIT's Media Lab, where they research mind-reading devices and spread FUD against personal mind-control protection.

According to NAU's timetable, a working prototype will be shown next year, with commercial models available in 2014. While they will first appear in public spaces, such as museums or malls, eventually NAU will introduce a special "consumer model" more like the ones found under Euro-Disneyland, allowing Belgian Citizen Pods to be distributed throughout the world in people's homes. Once the goal of total home market saturation is achieved, only then will the hidden brain-probe spikes shoot out of the iCocoon's walls into the base of the user's skull to immobilize them, forcefully reprogram their sense of identity, and immerse them in the inescapable fictitious land of Belgium. Soon enough, everyone will be a Belgian "citizen".

(With this and the danger from mind-controlling iPods, one might begin to be suspect of all podular forms of consumer gadgetry. However, rest assured that the Inteli-Tube Personal Pneumatic Tube Pod will not subvert your senses or mind. In fact, its psychotronically deflective aluminum shell will make it the perfect escape vehicle for paranoids once the Belgian Conspiracy moves to take over cities depopulated through Belgian Citizen Podification.)

The gradual acclimation of the public to the coming swarms of black helicopters observing and policing society continues apace. We are now told to accept that helicopters are teaching themselves to fly:

"Oh look, it's flying upside down! Isn't that so cute? Let's not protect ourselves with swatters!"

A new artificial intelligence system allows a robotic helicopter to teach itself how to fly and even do challenging stunts, just by watching other helicopters perform the same maneuvers.

The result is an autonomous helicopter than can perform a complete airshow of complex tricks on its own, its inventors say.

It's all for entertainment in airshows, of course! We will, no doubt, learn to enjoy watching the charming antics of the protosentient helicopters as they frolic about during government-sanctioned Patriotic Events, and won't be the least fazed when they start buzzing through our neighborhoods on behalf of law enforcement. In fact, we'll welcome the little scamps! "Isn't that adorable how it follows us around constantly, mimicking our every move? It thinks it's people!"

The helicopter is being trained for eventual release by the Stanford University Autonomous Helicopter project, led by Professor Andrew Y. Ng. Their work follows in the contrails of the black helicopter swarming technology leaked from MIT a couple of years ago.

For a preview of what you'll soon be seeing in the sky over your house at all hours of the day, click below for a video showing JUVENILE BLACK HELICOPTER CHAOS!

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Lesson A.

This lesson shows how a weak person could stop an opponent who is about to clinch, by putting the first and index fingers to the eyes.* This method was used by the Japanese at Port Authur in the hand-to-hand battle with the Russians.

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