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The Monorailist

Ahmadinejad Boldly Responds

The Monorailist | 2007-05-29.6550 LMT | Monorail Danger
Dr. Ahmadinejad

Last year I wrote an open letter to Iranian president and doctor of Transport Engineering Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, urging him to abandon the fruitless, non-monorail-related direction he was taking his nation and to return to his roots as a monorail engineer and advocate for Monorailism: "Expand the Tehran Monorail," I challenged him, "engage the Monorailist Revolution!"

Today, Tehran responded to my letter -- and what a bold response it is!

Dr. Ahmadinejad has begun the process to build a maglev monorail line between the capital of Tehran and the holy city of Mashhad, home of the shrine to Imam Ali Reza (PBUH). Much like with the planned Hajj monorail in Saudi Arabia, the line's secondary purpose -- after that most primary of all purposes: the Elevationment of Mankind -- will be the transportation of pilgrims. Upwards of 15 million faithful visitors a year from around the Shiah world will be exposed to the singular perfection of monorail transportation and will take back with them a new found Faith in Humanity's shared Monorailular Future.

When built (and I have every confidence that Dr. Ahmadinejad's pro-monorail administration will see this through) the 800 kilometer track will be the longest maglev monorail line in the world; a gleaming beam stretching through the cultural heart of Iran, humming with potential -- both human and electric; a technological marvel that will usher in a Renaissance of Monorail Culture!

The monorail will be built by German maglev experts Transrapid with the initial feasibility study being handled by engineering firm Regierungsbaumeister Schlegel GmbH.

MORE BREAKING NEWS: This wondrous development in the spread of maglev monorail technology comes on the heels of disturbing reports out of China. Claims were being made in the media that the planned Shanghai-Hangzhou maglev monorail, also to be built by Transrapid, was canceled following protests from those fearful of radiation from the magnetized track. It now turns out that these reports were false and that both government officials in Shanghai and Transrapid were unaware of any halt to the plans.

I suspect that the initial report was agitprop placed in the media by Anti-Monorail Activists -- those bitter, petty Luddites who fear Monorail excellence and despise those who strive for it. These agitators have infiltrated the Chinese Central Government and seek to use the mechanisms of intra-party politics to spread doubt about Monorailism's rightful place as Humanity's central guiding principle. And they're doing this by playing on people's irrational fear of electromagnets! What's next? Wearing tinfoil hats like a paranoid pneumatic tubeist?

Rubbish, I say! Let us not cower from electrical phantoms, boogeymen from the timid minds of those who would rather creep along the ground on wheels than soar through the sky on a cushion of energy. Now is not the time for timidity -- not now, on the cusp of Global Monorail Consciousness! If the circumambient electromagnetic fields of our bustling Monorailtopias should set our hairs to stand on end and put a tingle in our skin, then so be it! Such is the physiological state we should be in when standing in awe before the ethereal spectacle of our manifested Monorail Destiny!

End of post.