ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
Lyle Zapato

GPM #3: NGA's Terry And His Friends

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-30.2800 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots | NWO | Paraterrestrials

Terry & Friends

The US National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA) is a military organization that creates geospatial intelligence (i.e. uses satellites and other spies to gather information about where you live). These are the people responsible for keeping Belgium on all our maps and providing Black Helicopters with reconnaissance for infiltrating your home. Naturally, there's an NGA Kids' Site with the propaganda mascots Terry & His Friends.

Terry, whose full name is Terry Firma (har har), is the Earth with a body and a cultishly hypnotic stare. He wears a tie and highwater slacks and is almost always accompanied by his little buddy Orbit the satellite. He is prone to cheerfully yell out his catchy catch phrase: "Without geospatial intelligence, you're nowhere!" (i.e. you don't exist unless the NGA says you do.)

While Terry Firma is certainly a more clever name than the NRO's uninspired "Earth Watch", the NGA negates this by introducing an unnecessary and not-really-used female character named Wanda World who is also the Earth. Two Earths? Terry and Wanda are often shown side-by-side holding hands, so we can rule out Wanda merely being a cross-dressing Terry. Even more confusing is that in the intro comic, Terry and Wanda appear to be standing on the Earth! So now there are three Earths, one very much larger than the other two. Are we to believe that this is all merely some strange oversight of logic?

In reality, Terry and his firends are subliminal indoctrination designed to inculcate children to accept a startling truth that the NWO doesn't wish to explicitly reveal at this time: there are actually multiple Earths existing in parallel dimensions and the NWO has opened a gateway between them! (as symbolized by the hand holding.)

What exactly is going on? Could this be related to the NRO's attempt to foster sympathy for Reptilian paraterrestrials, who themselves are from a parallel Earth where the dinosaurs didn't go extinct? And what of the larger Earth that Terry and Wanda are standing on? Is it related to the recent announcement of the discovery of a so-called "Super Earth"? Unfortunately, there are more questions than answers at this time. Stay tuned.

Tha Stinkin' Pirate

New Threat To Pirates

Tha Stinkin' Pirate | 2004-08-20.1000 LMT | Piratical Yarrings | Technology

Avast me hearties! Thar be ah new threat ta tha piratical life devised by ah ruddy crew of Dutch blaggards, an anti-pirate system called Secure-Ship. It be comprised o' ah series o' yardarms emanatin' from tha gunwale what carry metallic lines stowin' 9,000 volts o' 'lectricity, an' makes boardin' ah ship like tryin' ta wrestle 'lectric eels. Yer Jacob's ladder'll take on ah whole 'nother meanin' should ye lay yer daddles on this infernal riggin'! Many ah seadog o' mine has been scuppered whilst tryin' ta crib cargo pants from Gap freighters thus fitted. Be ye warned!

Lyle Zapato

GPM #2: NRO Characters

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-19.7000 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

NRO Jr. Characters

The US National Reconnaissance Office designs, builds, and operates one of the largest global mind-control satellite networks. Their NRO Junior site aimed at kids has four propaganda mascots: Dana Drop (a parachute), Earth Watch (the Earth), Whirly Lizard (a green Reptilian), and Corey Corona (a freakish rocket person). The characters themselves are poorly developed (I mean, come on, the Earth is a character and he's named "Earth Watch"?) and they all speak in the same wacky voice, but they still manage to forward the NRO's agenda:

  • Whirly Lizard is designed to promote human sympathy for the Reptilians, a dimensional-gating paraterrestrial species with little interest in psychotronic technologies who are the NRO's strategic allies against the Reticulans (AKA "Grey Aliens"), a major mind-control-satellite competitor.
  • There's a crafts section that shows kids how to make their own passive relay mind-control satellite model covered in aluminum foil. This model is fully functional and, if placed on a shelf in your child's room, will allow the NRO to target him or her with deflected psychotronic signals while sleeping.

In their "Story" section, a voice-over breathlessly promises that four additional mascots called the Satellite Rescue Agents are coming soon. No information is given about them other than their being hovering human heads with solar panels and various psychotronic devices attached. One has a fireman's helmet, one looks like a Borg, one is the Noid from Domino's Pizza, and I think the last one might be Ernie Hudson.

Lyle Zapato

Government Propaganda Mascots #1: NSA's Crypto Cat

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-11.8500 LMT | Government Propaganda Mascots

We here at ZPi often discuss advanced forms of mind control -- psychotronics, cerebrosonics, memetic engineering, etc. -- but we tend to neglect the simpler methods used to shape the public's perceptions and actions. One simple method governments use is to employ cartoon characters to inculcate the official state credenda into children, who will then grow up into subservient adults. While a rather primitive form of propaganda, it can nevertheless be very effective when applied to children brought up in a sufficiently orthonoidic society, such as the one we live in.

Unfortunately, even children raised in suspicious households are at risk as many paranoid parents, who have otherwise taken steps to protect their children's minds by using aluminumated cribs and installing MindGuard on the family computer, remain unaware of the sorts of government websites that are targeting their children.

To help bring to light these shadowy governmental kids sites, I'm introducing a new reoccurring installment I like to call Get To Know The Government Propaganda Mascots (GPM). Each installment will introduce a new propaganda mascot, highlighting its methods and deducing its agenda.


NSA Crypto Cat

Our first GPM comes from the US National Security Agency (NSA) and he's called Crypto Cat. Crypto, a blue cat dressed in standard-issue NSA trench coat, is featured on the NSA/CSS Kids and Youth Page. Some of Crypto Cat's propagandistic activities include:

Trust in me my friend for I am your comrade.
...
Together you and I shall experience
A bond only others like us will understand.
When outsiders see us together
Their envy will be measured by their disdain.

Thus, Crypto Cat's agenda is to both eliminate our ability to communicate privately and raise a military force proficient in math and codependently loyal to the Belgian Conspiracy.

Lyle Zapato

Aluminum Mania!!

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-09.2300 LMT | Aluminum

While spying on my visitors going over my referral log, I found a Japanese portal/blog/who-knows-what that's all about aluminum and its many uses entitled Aluminum Mania!!. They've linked to my AFDB site, saying:

…メガトン級のアルミサイトではある。

which means "It's a megaton-class aluminum site." Thanks.

Anyway, their site is a bounty of information about aluminum use in Japan (assuming you can read Japanese, otherwise it's a bounty of squiggly lines). For instance, the Japanese have invented aluminum-based canine heatsink pads...

Overclocking your dog! What will they think of next? How about an aluminum Ultraman laptop...

However it's not exclusively Japanese aluminumana. Also found on the site was a pic of NASA's Echo-1 from the late 1960s:

This giant aluminated sphere (made of mylar, which was reverse engineered from bits of material salvaged from the paraterrestrial craft that crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947) was ostensibly for radio communications, although its psychotronically deflective surface was more suited for global mind control. Devices like this were the precursors to Project Starshine.

Lyle Zapato

A Simpler Time When Marketers Drank Absinthe

Lyle Zapato | 2004-08-07.4000 LMT | Random Found Thing | Food | Retro

Fruit crate label: Clown Brand, Sparr Fruit Co., California
"Hey kids! Eat your fruits and vegetables
or I'll bite your little heads off!"

The Belgian

The Belgian Nationale Feestdag -- She Is Here!

The Belgian | 2004-07-20.6250 LMT | Announcement | Belgian Conspiracy
Lyle Zapato

Gmail, Kibioctets, And Introducing ZPiMail

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-17.9400 LMT | Site | Technology | Metric System

Much has been made of Google's new email service, Gmail, which promises a gigabyte of free storage. Although true paranoids have already rejected the service for important reasons, many are excited at the idea of getting all that free storage space.

But will you really be getting as much as you think?

According to the Gmail FAQ, that 1 gigabyte is actually 1,000 megabytes (and presumably by megabyte they mean 1,000,000 bytes -- otherwise, this way madness lies). Consider: if the current mailbox on your computer is reported by your OS as having an even 100 megabytes in it, you might naively think you could store ten times that on a Gmail account. Unfortunately, you would be wrong by 48,576,000 bytes (about 46 megabytes by your OS's reckoning -- quite a lot of email).

This is the sort of confusion and sneaky business practices that results when the kibioctet standard is not in wide use, as it should be.

To address this issue, as well as others, ZPi is proud to announce ZPiMail. Unlike Gmail, ZPiMail offers infinite gibioctets of storage space by leveraging the transcendental irrationality of nature itself:

Every email you have stored can be expressed as a mere string of digits (in fact, it's already stored as such on your computer). Since the number π has an infinite number of essentially random digits, the string of digits that represents one of your emails can be found within it, as can the digits representing your entire mailbox, no matter how large it may be. Instead of storing all those gibioctets of digits on your computer, why not just store the offset of the expansion of π that matches them? With ZPiMail, now you can!

(NOTE: ZPi does not currently offer software to facilitate reading your email from π, however you can rest assured that everything in your mailbox is already safely stowed away in there, as well as any future email you may receive and hypothetical emails to you from Jimmy Carter explaining all the mysteries of universe in Farsi. I apologize for this oversight, but I have been forced to prematurely announce ZPiMail in order to head off my archnemesis, Dr. Ernesto, who is attempting to steal focus with his derivative EeMail.)

Lyle Zapato

More On iPods & Cerebrosonics

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-14.7420 LMT | General Paranoia | Mind Control | Technology

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A LINK WITH LIVE EXAMPLES OF CEREBROSONIC MIND CONTROL AND OTHER FORMS OF MANIPULATIVE PSYCHOACOUSTICS. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE CEREBROSONIC-CANCELATION EQUIPMENT OR MINDGUARD'S DEPSYCH RUNNING, DO NOT FOLLOW THE LINK WITHOUT FIRST DISABLING ALL THE SPEAKERS ATTACHED TO YOUR COMPUTER, INCLUDING THE INTERNAL "PC SPEAKER" AND MODEM SPEAKER. ALSO, IT WOULD BE PRUDENT TO HAVE ANY DENTAL FILLINGS REMOVED TO ELIMINATE THE POSSIBILITY OF INTERCRANIAL SOUND INDUCTION VIA THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD OF YOUR MONITOR.

Dr. Horowitz, Chief Technology Officer of the psychoacoustical applied research company NeuroPop (which threatens: "We can change your mind...") has contacted me to point out that the possibility of mind-control iPods was already speculated on by the German-language blog Industrial Technology & Witchcraft (article entitled "Der neuronale iPod"), in the context of mentioning NeuroPop's work.

However, the Korean mind-controller patent that I linked to -- which is shown in the technical drawings as being iPodish -- goes beyond the passive cerebrosonic mind-control that NeuroPop is developing for use in music, films, and games as it contains a neural feedback pack to actively read the state of the brain and adjust its mind-control signal accordingly. Passive cerebrosonics from NeuroPop and others can be played on a normal, unmodified iPod (or other such devices), with the main disadvantage for the mind-controller being the lack of real-time customization and adaptation. Since this technology can be incorporated into commercial music recordings (and probably is -- NeuroPop is secretive about their clients), any users of iPod-type devices who do not get their music from trusted paranoid sources are in danger of cerebrosonic manipulation (as I warned in an earlier post).

Besides currently being a vehicle for passive cerebrosonics sold through Apple's iTunes store, future versions of the iPod will most likely include the sort of active mind-control technology described in the Korean patent, finally allowing Steve Jobs to deploy his "reality distortion field" well beyond the immediate vicinity of his cyborg body, thereby serving the will of his Reticulan masters.

Lyle Zapato

Lord Kelvin vs. Jackie Chan

Lyle Zapato | 2004-07-10.6050 LMT | Entertainment | Kelviniana

The Game Boy Advanced game Around the World in 80 Days (based on the recent Jackie Chan movie) features an appearance by Lord Kelvin:

Lord Kelvin as he appears in the 'Around the World in 80 Days' video game.

Unfortunately, the game makers knew that Kelvin would kick Chan's ass if given the chance -- which they couldn't allow in this Chan-vehicle -- so Kelvin has been relegated to the expositively non-action-packed beginning and end sequences. Here are screenshots from the end sequence where Kelvin is attacked with vicious lies and falsely arrested (the programmers had to make him immobile to keep him from single-handedly taking out this gang of cretins):

'Around the World in 80 Days' screenshots

Needless to say, this isn't exactly the best game ever made. However, as far as I know, it has the first appearance of Lord Kelvin in a video game. If anyone knows of any others, email me.