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Lyle Zapato

Edison's Conquest of Mars

Lyle Zapato | 2005-11-14.5800 LMT | Kelviniana | Technology | Retro

As previously mentioned, Edison's Conquest of Mars by Garrett P. Serviss is an unauthorized 1898 sequel to H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. Unauthorized by Wells, that is. It was authorized by Thomas A. Edison, and the story reads like an Edison promotional vehicle (which it essentially was):


Edison reveals his inventions to the assembled leaders of Earth, including the insufferable Kaiser Wilhelm -- curse his handlebar moustache!

Read more...

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-11-02.8300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

BIGFOOT USES HIS MIGHTY JUMPING ABILITIES TO DEFEAT EVIL!!!

Out of the dark ages of Sasquatch/Human relations that Humans call the "SEVENTIES" comes a Human television show that teaches that the Sasquatch and Human of Cascadia can work together to fight the FORCES OF EVIL!!!

It was called BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY!!!

Wildboy was a young Human child who was lost in the vast wilderness and saved by Bigfoot! Bigfoot raised him and together they battled for justice against POLUTION, WEREWOLVES, SLEESTACKS, PARA­TERREST­RIALS, and OUTLAW SAS­QUATCH!!! Every episode Bigfoot would use his ability to JUMP A VERY GREAT DISTANCE and THROW BOULDERS to save the day! Sometimes he would throw Wildboy at the enemy as a distraction! It is also the only Human television series to feature actual SASQUATCH HOWL!!!

BIGFOOT (PLAYED BY SMALLFOOT HUMAN)
HUMAN CHILDREN: BIGFOOT WILL SAVE YOU!!!

THE SHOW WAS NOT WITHOUT ITS FLAWS!!! Besides the OFFEN­SIVE, FOOT-SIZE-OBSESSIVE NAME, Big­foot was played by a puny Human and was portrayed as a SIDEKICK FOR WILDBOY!!! This was typical of the time, with CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIE as a sidekick for Space-Humans and the untrustworthy BIONIC BIGFOOT working for the PARA­TERREST­RIALS against Bionic Humans!

HUMANS HEAR MY HOWL: Only when you accept Sasquatch as CO-EQUAL PARTNERS IN THE BATTLE AGAINST EVIL will we be victorious!

Download the Bigfoot & Wildboy Title Theme (92KIO MP3!!!) It has the FUNKY BASS and GRATUITOUS EXPLOSIONS that typifies Human howl accompaniment of that era! Also, Human howlers called the Nick Atoms have a cover version for download!

UPDATE!!! Watch the BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY INTRO on the YOU TUBES!!!

Lyle Zapato

Viral Marketing And Microsoft Word

Lyle Zapato | 2005-10-22.2300 LMT | Letters | General Paranoia

Perhaps by now you've seen the blog with the video of the giant uncovered by the tsunami?

Back on the 12th I received an email from someone claiming to be the publicist for Eric Belson, the owner of the above blog, who claimed to be writing a book on the mythology of giants. The publicist asked if I would run the tsunami giant footage on my site. The email had attached a press release in MS Word format breathlessly announcing the release of the video. Opening the doc up in a regular text editor revealed that it was created by someone working for TBWA\Chiat\Day, a large advertising agency used by Sony and known to engage in viral marketing.

The general consensus, based on the content of the video and others since released on the blog, is that it's all a viral ad for a Playstation megacide simulator called Shadow of the Colossus. So here's further confirmation, albeit somewhat late.

It also confirms the dangers of Microsoft Word. This is why True Paranoids write their duplicitous press releases using hex editors.

(When I received it, I emailed the publicist back asking if she worked for TBWA\Chiat\Day, but she never responded. If I had made the connection with the game then, I would have tried to finagle a free copy out of them -- no doubt a useful training aid for my eventual final showdown with the forces of Federalist Canada -- but it's obviously too late for that now. Oh well. Anyway, thanks for linking to my site, guys... although it should be "Zapato Productions intradimensional" not just "intradimensional" -- hey, I was nice enough to humor your ridiculously backslash-cobbled name, allow me my titular extravagancies.)

UPDATE: Giantology Revisited.

Lyle Zapato

Pneumatic Tubes In Fiction

Lyle Zapato | 2005-08-25.9800 LMT | Pneumatics | Technology

Yesterday, I noticed that Wikipedia's entry for "pneumatic tubes" links to my Inteli-tube page. Since I reorganized the site, I went to update the link.

While there, I decided to clarify an ambiguous statement about pneumatic postage stamps (which were mentioned here previously). Of course, I had to also add a picture of one of the stamps.

Then I had to move a misplaced paragraph listing some occurrences of pneumatic tubes in fiction from the postal section. I put it in it's own section and expanded on it:

When pneumatic tubes first came into use in the 19th century, they symbolized technological progress and it was imagined that they would be common in the future. Jules Verne's Paris in the 20th Century (1863) includes suspended pneumatic tube trains that stretch across the oceans. Albert Robida's The Twentieth Century (1882) describes a 1950s Paris where tube trains have replaced railways and pneumatic mail is ubiquitous. Edward Bellamy's Looking Backward (1888) envisions the world of 2000 as interlinked with tubes for delivering goods. Michel Verne's An Express of the Future (1888) questions the sensibility of a transatlantic pneumatic subway. In Michel & Jules Verne's The Day of an American Journalist in 2889 (1889) the Society for Supplying Food to the Home allows subscribers to receive meals pneumatically.

Later, because of their use by governments and large businesses, tubes began to symbolize bureaucracy. In George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, pneumatic tubes in the Ministry of Truth deliver newspapers to Winston's desk containing articles to be "rectified". The movie Brazil, which has similar themes, also used tubes (as well as other anachronistic technology) to evoke the stagnation of bureaucracy. At the start of each episode of the 1999 television series Fantasy Island, a darker version of the original, bookings for would-be visitors to the Island were sent to the devilish Mr. Roarke via a pneumatic tube from a dusty old travel agency, making the tube seem not so much bureaucratic as sinister.

The failure of pneumatic tubes to live up to their potential as envisioned in previous centuries has placed them in the company of flying cars and dirigibles as ripe for ironic retro-futurism. The 1960s cartoon series The Jetsons featured pneumatic tubes that people could step into and be sucked up and swiftly spit out at their destination. Futurama imagined similar devices for the citizens of 31st century New New York.

But, sometimes a tube is just a tube, and not all pneumatic tubes in fiction are symbolic or meaningful beyond simply being interesting technology. In the James Bond film The Living Daylights, a supposed Soviet defector was smuggled across the Iron Curtain in an oil pipe-line. While not technically a pneumatic tube, the design of the transportation system in Logan's Run, in which cars traveled in elevated clear tubes, seems influenced by pneumatic tube aesthetics.

So, if anyone knows any other notable pneumatic tubes in fiction that I missed, please add to the article.

The Belgian

The Smurfs, They Smurf!

The Belgian | 2005-07-21.1090 LMT | Belgian Conspiracy

We call them by the proper name of les Schtroumpfs or de Smurfen but you will call them the Smurfs! The Belgian cartoonist Peyo, he created the Smurfs in 1958 based on the woodland creatures what live in the forests of Belgium. You see, the Smurfs, and to the lesser extent the Snorks (also created by a Belgian), show that our Belgian wildlife, even she is superior to yours!

Now they are making the film of the Smurfs (you English, read here) using the computer-generated imagery! Being that I am a privileged Belgische burger, I have already seen the, how you say, renderings. They look as real as the Smurfs I have seen in the forests of Wallonie (which, as you know, exists -- and is not in the computer, as M. Zapato says!)

When the Smurfs appear in the cinema, you and your children will learn that the Smurf-speak is double-plus smurf. Your English, she is pointless! Substitute the inferior English words with simple "smurf". Simple language for your simple English lives. When you are ready to think grand thoughts like we Belgians, you learn the Vlaams or the Français, or maybe even the Deutsch -- your choice! If you want, you come to Belgium and we teach you, yes?

The Monorailist

Movie Review: Batman Begins

The Monorailist | 2005-06-18.8290 LMT | Monorail Danger

Batman Begins isn't so much a Hollywood summer blockbuster as a Hate Crime against the Future.

[SPOILERS]

The first act seemed innocent enough. We are thrust into the story of Bruce Wayne's tumble into the dark cave of fear and hate -- precipitated respectively by a traumatic childhood bat-attack and his guilt over his parents' murder by a mugger that resulted from his chiropteran fears. It begins, without so much as opening credits, in the midst of his Dantean trip into the underworld of crime, searching for the Ways of Wrongdoers and the means to stop them, and leads to his fiery rebirth from the Himalayan hideout of the League of Shadows as a Dark Avenger against Crime.


Batman costume ironically on display in the Sky Church in the EMP, through which the Monorail traverses.

But all this Sturm und Drang is just a façade, cobbled together from well-tread comicbook plots and backstory outlines, for director Christopher Nolan's real agenda: anti-monorail agitprop.

The gleaming monorail system that runs through Gotham in Bruce Wayne's childhood flashbacks -- made stereotypically retro in design by the art director to suggest it belongs to a future passed -- is at the center of both the city -- its rails spoke out from the hub of Wayne Tower -- and the film. It is showcased during a pivotal scene in which Bruce's father explains to him the troubles of Gotham. We learn that the monorail was built by him as a symbol of Hope and Unity for a city faltering on the verge of Poverty and Despair. This portentous scene takes place during a Wayne family trip to the opera that will result in the parental deaths at the heart of the Batman mythos. Here we see the monorail as grim Charon, ferrying the Waynes to their doom.

Years later, after Bruce Wayne's return to Gotham as the Batman, the monorail has become a symbol of degradation, covered in graffiti and sparsely occupied by muggers and Mafia hitmen. The propaganda message here is clear: Monorails are a False Hope and city planners would do well to reject them as a means to Urban Renewal.

But this isn't the final depth to which Nolan's propaganda will sink.

We eventually learn that the monorail is to become a tool of the League of Shadows, lead by immortal archvillain Ra's Al Ghul, to destroy Gotham by using it as a transport for a microwave weapon that will vaporize the water in the pipes that run beneath the monorail line, unleashing the fear-inducing psychotropic drug that the League has surreptitiously poisoned Gotham's water supply with, thereby hurling the city into chaos. So in the end, the plot is this: Only by destroying the monorail can Gotham be saved. If we were to believe the filmmakers, monorails attract terrorists and ninjas, lead to Madness, and need to be demolished for any hope of Salvation.

(I think it's fair to say that the anti-monorail motives of the filmmakers were shaped by their love of SUVs, as evidenced by the worshipful portrayal of the tank-like Batmobile. Upon seeing the Batmobile, Police Sergeant Gordon enthuses: "I got to get me one of these!" He later goes on to use the Batmobile to blow up the monorail. Not exactly subtle.)

As further evidence that the whole film was thrown together for the sole purpose of attacking monorails, consider the poorly thought-out doomsday scheme of the League of Shadows. If the microwave weapon were capable of vaporizing the Gotham City water supply, why did it not also vaporize the aqueous portions of the Gothamites? Why did the eyeballs of those in the Narrows not explode when their vitreous liquid was made gaseous by the microwaves? The only possibly explanation -- apart from an abject lack of understanding of Science on the part of the writers well beyond the norm for even the most curmudgeonly Ludditic anti-monorailist -- is that the filmmakers started with the idea that the monorail was to be destroyed and only later came up with a slapdash reason why. Their limited imaginations, typical of those who dismiss monorails, were simply not up to the task.

As I left the IMAX theater at the Pacific Science Center and took the Seattle Monorail back to my apartment, I was left shaking my head in befuddlement as to why a prestigious Center of Science would agree to show such an unscientific, hateful film so out of touch with the self-evident wonders of the Monorail so near to them. Is not the goal of Science a truer understanding of our World for the Embetterment of Mankind? How is that goal served by attacking what is not only the most significant discovery of Modern Science -- the Principle of Monorailular Transit -- but also the only means of lifting Humanity up out of its congestion, both traffic and moral, and into the sky so that we may ride swiftly and confidently into our Destined Future? It is not served at all by that, I say! Rest assured that I will be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the Science Center's Ombudsman.

As for Batman Begins, on a railular scale from one to five (one being a Supreme Achievement of the Human Soul and a Shining Beacon of Hope for our Children, five being Ignominious Refuse for the Junkpile of History), I give it four rails.

Kofi Annan

UN Food Force

Kofi Annan | 2005-06-05.0110 LMT | Food

Teh Food Force!!!

Yo, Kofi here! My dawgs at the UN came up with this kickass game called WFP Food Force! GO FOOD FORCE!!! It's like totally educational and sooo much better than that American Army game!

I pwnd those starvin Sheylaneseian fugees! Eat UN energy pacs!!! And local rebel forces got nothin on my mad 'gotiatin skillz! loooool!!!

My player name is kofi_hotness38... see if u can beat my score! (It's not much, but I gots the UN to run and I can only play for a couple hours a day... but this summer I'm gonna totally take first place away from password300 of China! W00T!!!)

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-05-27.6300 LMT | Sasquatch Issues

I have just heard howl that a Human cryptozoologist cabal is gathering in the place they call Bellingham! They will be there today, tomorrow, and the next day holding what they call the Sasquatch Research Conference... But they are not Sasquatch researching Sasquatch culture or Sasquatch interests, THEY ARE HUMANS PLOTTING AGAINST US!! They want to spy on us at night and listen in on our howls! They call it "PROJECT NIGHTWATCH"!!

HUMANS SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS!! You don't see Sasquatch listening in as human Tom Yamarone makes his squeeky Human howls (AS IF WE WOULD WANT TO!!) or spying on Human Loren Coleman's mating rituals! LEAVE US ALONE, PERVERTED HUMANS!!

And while I am howling about local events... why are there no Sasquatch artists at the SASQUATCH!!! Music Festival?! They didn't even bother to include Migoi whistlers on the third-tier Yeti stage! All the artists are Human and Pixie! PIXIES DON'T EVEN EXIST!! First Humans steal grunge music from us and now they exclude us from our own music festival and replace us with make-believe winged leprechauns! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE FOR SASQUATCH?!?!

Radical Sasquatch

HOWL: WOOKIEE RAGE!!!

Radical Sasquatch | 2005-04-05.4700 LMT | Sasquatch Issues
Chewbacca Figure
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN WOOKIEE RAGE WITHIN A PLASTIC BUBBLE!!!

Howl in the forest is that the Human called George Lucas will release another Squatchploitation movie called "Revenge of the Sith"...

***SPOILER ALERT!!!*** Nerd Humans: STOP READING MY HOWL NOW!!!

"Revenge of the Sith" will star CHEWBACCA the WOOKIEE... WOOKIEE IS HUMAN SQUEEK FOR SPACE SASQUATCH!!! In previous movies, Chewbacca was a sidekick to Space Humans! SASQUATCH IS NOT A SIDEKICK!!! Maybe Teh-Ima is a sidekick, BUT NOT SASQUATCH!!! Those movies were made during a dark time of Sasquatch-Human relations that Humans call the 1970s, when Sasquatch were persecuted by Nimoy and fake bionic Sasquatch battled bionic Human to a draw for Human amusement -- THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!! Bionic Sasquatch would delimb bionic Human Steve Austin in slow motion while howling that DA-NA-NA-NA sound!

...MY HOWL DIGRESSES!!!

The new Lucas movie is about the WOOKIEE ARMY fighting against the Space Humans invading the Wookiee home planet -- CLEARLY AN OBLIQUE PORTRAYAL OF THE SASQUATCH MILITIA!!! Ripping the limbs off of Space Humans is better than being a sidekick! LOOK AT THE MIGHTY WOOKIEE ARMY...

Wookiee Army copyright Lucusfilm

But something is wrong... If this Lucas Human has become such a friend to Sasquatch, then why is it that these Wookiees are still PLAYED BY HUMANS IN FUR SUITS!?!? IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ALL HOMINOIDS!!! Even worse, I have heard howl that the Wookiee Army is MADE WITH COMPUTERS... I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I KNOW THAT IT ENRAGES ME!!!

Lucas has enraged Hominoids in the past and now he is doing it again! Chewbacca and Wookiee Army should be played by real Sasquatch and not be made sidekicks of Space Humans! Chewbacca should have a LIGHTLOG, his own space ship that can make the Kessel run in LESS THAN SIX PARSECS, and get to howl "I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!!" while delimbing Space Humans!

HUMAN CALLED LUCAS, HEAR MY HOWL!!! Satisfy Sasquatch demands or Southern Cascadian Sasquatch Militia will PUMMEL SKYWALKER RANCH WITH BOULDERS!!!

SASQUATCH POWER!!!

Lyle Zapato

More From Robert Cassell

Lyle Zapato | 2005-02-25.0280 LMT | Letters

Got a spare three million lying around and want to position yourself to win a NOBEL PRIZE and the prestigious title of Humanitarian of the World? Bob Cassell has another proposition for you (this one forwarded to me by the recipient, name withheld):

From: Robert Cassell <bobcassell@hotmail.com>
To: [...]
Subject: Saving Lives Supporting AIDS Medical Research New Business Development
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 21:28:36 +0000

Dear [...]

The following letter will explain how I have proven and tested both a product and concept that has the proven ability to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research.

Permit me to explain.

Approximately two years ago my teenage daughter had Cancer. In order to maintain my sanity I developed a product and concept that has the Proven Market Testing worldwide to raise in excess of $250 million per year per continent for AIDS Medical Research. The initial investment of approximately $3 million will return at least $50 million per year. The $3 million in question is only half in cash and half in credit line.

So I need your advice, counsel and expertise relative to the AIDS crisis. Additionally, we could also create new jobs worldwide plus most importantly Saving Lives.

The product and concept in question is a consumer lifestyle product, that currently has no competition and utilizes a distribution system that has been used by only one product from one industry for over 50 years with resounding success.

Additionally, the concept will become a Television First. Never in the history of the World has a TV Show been broadcast Internationally ...bridging all time zones.

The company and/or investor will make themselves in a position to win the NOBEL PRIZE.

Of course there are a ton of stories that were generated over the past years. There track record of successes make the $250 million per year per continent very conservative.

Since my daughter won her battle against Cancer I believe that my effort should be utilized to help cure society of its ills. Therefore, the lion share of the profit is yours and any investor. All I want are a few points and the opportunity to spearhead the project. No front monies are required. I'll relocate any place to help rid our society of AIDS.

Personally, I've spent two decades representing the Fortune 500 Internationally from advertising, marketing , sales promotion and actual sales. Additionally, I've served on the Board of Directors of The National Crime Prevention Council.

Hopefully I've peaked your curiosity which will foster beneficial dialogue. Again, the key here is that the product and concept in question is not just another good idea it has been proven and tested. Together we can find one or more sponsors for a "Smart Pak" launch. Note: Remember Smart Pak embraces the benefits of winning the NOBEL PRIZE...either as an individual or corporation, a worldwide Television Special and the title of Humanitarian of the World. And most importantly we will save many lives worldwide.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully
Robert H. Cassell
A Chicago Resident

Wow. $250 million × 7 continents = $1.75 billion in revenue. (That's assuming that there's a sustainable market for consumer lifestyle products on Antarctica. Otherwise it's a mere $1.5 billion. But I'm sure Bob considered the Penguin Demographic in his Market Testing.)

There is a dilemma here though: What if both NEW SPORT and "Smart Pak" get investors at the same time and both investors want Bob to relocate to different places? What a wacky predicament that would be! In fact, the concept would make a great COMEDY MOVIE.

Permit me to explain.

Currently there is no competition for comedy movies about an Idea Man with a Heart of Gold from Chicago who hits it big but ends up having to juggle spearheading two different international projects from two entirely separate locations. The concept in question would embrace as a source of comedic tension the main character's competing desires to share NEW SPORT with the world and rid society of AIDS, with lots of opportunities for physical comedy during his harried commutes.

The key here is the role of Bob Cassell will be played by an actor with a track record of successes in light-hearted comedies. I'm thinking Will Ferrell or maybe Bill Pullman. The emotional center of the movie will be the cancer-surviving daughter, played by Lindsay Lohan or maybe one of the Olsen twins. There should also be a love interest for the Bob character, possibly the daughter of one of the investors, or maybe a daughter of each investor for added farce. In the end, everything works out as both NEW SPORT and a cure for AIDS are introduced to the world.

COMEDY MOVIE will be family oriented with no violence, but there will be at least one gut wrenching car chase. The soundtrack will be Country Western driven.

With an initial investment of $1 million, COMEDY MOVIE would return at least $50 million in domestic ticket and DVD sales and generate a very conservative $100 million in the International Arena. Additionally, the movie's producers will make themselves in a position to win a GOLDEN GLOBE and send a clear message of pro-activeness to the Hollywood Community.

All I want are a few points and the opportunity to direct. I'll relocate to Vancouver, B.C. if neccessary.